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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
books on the subject, and finally getting all the
necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky,
a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of cappuccino,
and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to
the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once
more and tried again to cut a hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
" IS THAT YOU LORD? "

The voice replied,
" NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER
OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
 
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Two buddies went ice fishing.
They drilled their holes about 100 feet apart and started to fish.
After about 10 minuets one of the guys caught a fish, then another and another.
The other guy still had not had a bite so went over to ask what his mate was doing differently to him.
To which he got the reply mumummummuuee.
Asked again what he was doing differently the reply was the same mumummummuuee.
Again the guy could not understand what his mate was saying, so asked again this time his mate spat something out into his hand and said.
You have to keep the worms warm.
 

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A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."
 

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What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
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FSH !
 

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Where do fish keep their money??????

The river bank :-(
 

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Where do fish keep their money??????

The river bank :-(
I figured there'd be a bank involved 'cuz this is the kind of joke where only the teller laughs.
 

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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
 

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A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

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One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f****ers are all right.".
 
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